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2012 Olympic Programme - Posted on 2005-10-19 19:03:15

KaptainKwak
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East London 2012 Olympics OPENING CEREMONY The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium. THE EVENTS In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes. 100 METRES SPRINT Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes. 110 METRES HURDLES As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc) HAMMER Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts. FENCING Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes. SHOOTING A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or securicor style wages delivery man. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun. BOXING Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence. CYCLING TIME TRIALS Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock. CYCLING PURSUIT As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft. MODERN PENTATHLON Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson. SWIMMING EVENTS All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the synchronised Swimming even for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve". THE MARATHON A safe route has yet to be decided. MEN'S 50KM WALK Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be mincing! THE CLOSING CEREMONY Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler. LATE NEWS! Apparently Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to the above but with the Pentathlon modified to include: Killing a spouse, digging a hole, burying the body, laying a patio and the strangely named 'Calm Down' contest. To guarantee the entry of any Mancunian athletes at all, Drugs testing has been waived this year.

Replies


	2012 Olympic Programme - Posted on 2005-10-19 19:08:48
the_ox 1300cc Superstar Joined: Saturday, October 30, 2004 Posts: 8803 Location: London United Kingdom	Class, just looking up the Wembley Events list.

	2012 Olympic Programme - Posted on 2005-10-19 19:13:41
dub 1300cc Superstar Joined: Friday, September 16, 2005 Posts: 603 Location: . United Kingdom	Quality mate

	2012 Olympic Programme - Posted on 2005-10-19 19:51:38
tazman 750cc Boy Racer Joined: Tuesday, May 31, 2005 Posts: 193 Location: manchester United Kingdom	good one kwak

	2012 Olympic Programme - Posted on 2005-10-20 00:35:16
rev_ 1300cc Superstar Joined: Thursday, January 13, 2005 Posts: 3068 Location: Coventry United Kingdom	seen it before but till funny dude.....give me back my alloy wheels ya thieving scouser..............!

	2012 Olympic Programme - Posted on 2005-10-20 07:23:42
joeboxer 1300cc Superstar Joined: Wednesday, November 03, 2004 Posts: 2358 Location: Sheffield United Kingdom	nice one Kwak lol!

	2012 Olympic Programme - Posted on 2005-10-20 10:05:16
Roeby 1300cc Superstar Joined: Posts: 8884 Location: Derbyshire United Kingdom	brill lol

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